No tomatoes, please

“Can’t pay my telephone bills, can’t pay my automo-bills…” Ahhh Destiny’s Child. All before everyone started caring about Beyonce and she started dating Jay-Z and her mother made her wear her horrible clothes so she could live out her vicarious dreams of being a fashion designer.

But when you realize what this post is actually about, you will groan, because yes, I love puns and other things that are not really funny but I find hilarious. Thank you Bryan Reed for ruining me. Anyhow, in order to celebrate Boxing Day, that lovely, pointless British day-after-Christmas tradition, I made a trifle. Ok, that’s a lie. I made it yesterday, and no one here freakin knows what one is. But British people make them for Boxing Day. Which is the day after Christmas. They also eat yorkshire puddings and the leftovers of their giant standing rib roasts and other generally disgusting British things. But trifle is generally non-disgusting. Actually, it’s generally pretty freakin awesome. Except for that one Rachel made on friends that she accidentally put the beef and peas and carrots in because the recipes got stuck together and hilarity ensued! That’s where you know a trifle from.

I make it every year, and insist on making it from scratch, including the freakin whipped cream. My mother is confounded by my insistence on doing things the hard way. I get it from my dad. But hey, in the end, it totally tastes better.

Anywho, a trifle basically consists of cake, fruit, jam and custard all layered in a trifle dish (yes, there are dishes specifically made for this dessert. And we have one. Kill me.) Also another reason Americans would be confounded by this dish is that custard only exists as something eaten regularly in Britain and probably Australia or something because they do everything England does. It isn’t the thick, set kind in creme brulee or panna cotta, but it’s a kind of sauce that’s basically like thin pudding. Also the base for custard-based ice creams. A custard is basically anything with milk and eggs that is thickened by the heating and cooking of the eggs. The custard I make for this is creme anglaise (recipe follows), and it’s freakin delicious. Or you could do what my mother suggests and use vanilla pudding. If you’re a terrible person.

I used to do homemade pound cake and put orange zest in it, but my mom made me start buying the pre-made sour cream pound cake from the store, and it’s a lot easier, mostly because it’s baked in a round ring pan and the slices go much easier in the round trifle dish. Also the fruit of choice for this trifle is raspberries, although you can use any kind of berries or soft fruit that would kinda get all mushy and meld in with the rest of the ingredients. Also, for the jam portion, I melt seedless raspberry jam (Polaner’s yeeeah) and brush it on the cake layers.

So, what you do is layer cake slices on the bottom of the dish and brush it with the melted jam:

Traditionally, some liquor is supposed to be doused on the cake before the jam in order to fully wet it so it can better meld with the rest of the layers, but it generally tastes too strong for me, plus I don’t want no dang mushy cake. It’s unamerican. In the past though, I did use Grand Marnier, which is an orange liqueur to go with the orange pound cake and add a sweetness to the sharp flavor of the raspberries. So after the cake, brush on liberal amounts of the melted jam, enough to wet the cake. Then drizzle on the custard in a lovely manner:

Then put a good amount of raspberries:

Then repeat. I like to kinda mash each layer down once I get the cake on, before I put on the next layer of jam so that it compacts all the ingredients together. So just repeat until you reach the top. I generally get a good three layers in. Then cover the top completely in whipped cream, add some more fresh berries or fruit as garnish, and voila! You have a lovely trifle that is way easier than its lavish appearance would have people believe. Also, it does have to sit a while so it can get all amalgamated and delicious. And seriously, holy crap. Not tryin’ to toot my own horn here, but it’s super delicious and everyone thinks you’re a total stud for making a giant dessert. Yum.

*Addendum: that was a lie about the creme anglaise recipe following. It’s slightly involved, and I don’t feel like typing it all out. Plus you’ll never make it. If you’re curious, just google it or something.