No tomatoes, please

So, by popular demand, I have finally gotten around to eating the friggin blueberry sausage. Every week in the newsroom, while I was busy eating other gross things, my editor, Bryan, was always badgering me about eating the damn blueberry sausage. I had never seen, nor hear of this before, and, honestly, I doubted its very existence.    But lo and behold, a few weeks ago, I stumbled upon the curious sausage while shopping at the local Teet. I was excited. Probably too excited. My shopping partner was confused. So after bringing it home and throwing it in the freezer, I finally extracted it the other day so I could see if it was, in fact, nearly as disgusting as it looked.  So, there were many things this sausage had going against it. First of all, I don’t like sausage. Plus this is chicken sausage, which I don’t even care to think about. I mean, I can’t even stand sausage that is made of delicious and perfect pork, why would I want to eat sausage made of a lesser protein? Because it’s healthy? First of all, ew, and second of all, when you’re gonna ruin some sausage with dang blueberries and maple syrup, why not just make it out of pork to make it palatable?  Since I didn’t have any of the ingredients to make any of the lovely dishes suggested on the back (strawberries in an omelette? fuck you Al Fresco All Naturals), I decided to do a simple fry-up.  So, when I took it out of the package, it kind of looked like tiny diseased hot dogs. Or diseased penises of small mammals. Either way, it really doesn’t look appetizing in the least. Seriously, Al Fresco All Naturals, what was the thought process in your product meetings?! I can just imagine the pitch meeting. Blueberries have protein, I guess, and so does meat, so mix them two and make them sausage-shaped? I can just imagine the dude pitching it saying it with the question mark. This must have come at the end of a very long, very desperate brainstorming session. I can’t even imagine the shit they must have turned down.  Honestly, it didn’t taste that bad. It just kind of had a weird, mealy texture and tasted mostly overwhelmingly of maple syrup. But not even in a good way. It kind of just tasted like fake pancakes. Shaped like tiny, diseased penises. Ew.