No tomatoes, please

Okay, as I was trolling the Food Network’s web site for a sufficiently ridiculous turkey recipe, I found this, and I’m pretty sure it’s the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen:

In case you were wondering what heinous kind of food that could possibly be, it’s a pie. A goddamn apple pie. I can’t even fathom … I have no words. Just a little vomit in my mouth.

Not only does this recipe require TWENTY FOUR apples, you must stuff the apples into a bowl to sufficiently mold them into a gargantuan half-orb and then invert the whole mess onto the pie crust. Then it is covered with molten caramel and pecans. And then, I dunno, tossed into the gaping maw of a dragon? I mean, who the hell else could eat this but imaginary creatures that would normally swallow entire humans whole? So instead of making this, or really even further thinking about it, you should make a baked apple instead. Because you only eat one, and it is probably far more delicious anyway.

So, I dunno, take like, 4 apples and core them, except don’t core them all the way through. You want a hole in the apple, so you can stuff it with crap.

Now, any time I talk about apples, I’m talking Fuji apples. My family don’t do that whole red delicious bs. Fujis are in the grocery store, probably right next to your regular granny smiths, but they are super better. They’re really crisp, and amazingly sweet, and available year round. But if you can’t find those, use a Rome apple, or a Gala apple instead. There’s usually stickers on the apples, a helpful indicator of what kind it is, if you get confused.

So anywho, take the apples, and core them somehow (I would suggest a melon baller, but if you don’t know what is, you could use a knife to hack at it until there is a sufficient hole), and then throw them in a little pyrex baking dish. My mom used to stuff them with brown sugar, cinnamon, butter, and freakin red hots. I know it sounds crazy, but they were really good. They melted and melded with the brown sugar and the butter, and permeated the apple, and it was delicious. You can pretty much stuff them with whatever you want though. You could put some chopped pecans or walnuts in there, or add some raisins, or even dried cranberries would be delicious if you want a really fall-y feel. So, throw some water (or apple cider if you’re Martha Stewart) in the bottom of the pan so they don’t stick, and also because the brown sugar and butter kinda melts out and makes a yummy kinda sauce in the bottom of the pan. Bake them for about 25-30 minutes in a 350-degree oven, or until they are tender when you poke them with a knife. Serve with vanilla ice cream, enjoy, and don’t even look at that picture again.