No tomatoes, please

And with that, Simon is gone. Last night was such a treat, especially since I opted out of acting like an ass (it’s really too easy for me, I don’t need alcohol hurrying things along), and went to bed early, since it kinda hurts to breathe. I got to hear sirens and helicopters and people screaming outside my dorm all night. Yaaay.

But enough of that. Halloween is over. People are stumbling out of whatever holes they woke up in, putting on pants and officially freaking out about Christmas. Christmas is a long way from my mind, but the next vacation time is nigh, and I have set my sights on looking forward to it. Yay Thanksgiving. There’s something about November that just kind of screams holidays (or more appropriately, the beginning of the end of the semester). It’s definitely not the cold though, since down here, it just stopped sweltering. It better cool down soon, though, because I bought this wicked cute coat that I’m really trying to wear, and I’m tired of looking like a jackass in 60-degree weather with a dang trench coat on.

No, it’s something far more than the cold that puts me in a holiday state of mind. Come November 1st, the inaugural turkeyfest begins on the Food Network. It’s basically a month of every food personality on the channel friggin beating a dead horse about how to cook a turkey. We get it. Turkey. Oven. Thanksgiving. We don’t need to fry it, or brine it, or smoke it in a smokehouse built specially for the occasion. Also, as of late, there have been increasingly ridiculous attempts to get Rachael Ray to jam Thanksgiving preparation into half an hour. Finally, last year, they gave her a dang hour. That’s like, all day for her! And it still looked gross. There are just some things you can’t simplify without totally killing. Thanksgiving is one of those things. So, here I am, waiting with bated breath for the moment I can pack up, go home, and get totally sick of turkey until next year with my family. Ahhh November.

And with that, I leave you with a lovely post-Halloween haiku:

Pumpkin in the trash

Too much turkey on TV

Paula hates her heart

Okay, as I was trolling the Food Network’s web site for a sufficiently ridiculous turkey recipe, I found this, and I’m pretty sure it’s the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen:

In case you were wondering what heinous kind of food that could possibly be, it’s a pie. A goddamn apple pie. I can’t even fathom … I have no words. Just a little vomit in my mouth.

Not only does this recipe require TWENTY FOUR apples, you must stuff the apples into a bowl to sufficiently mold them into a gargantuan half-orb and then invert the whole mess onto the pie crust. Then it is covered with molten caramel and pecans. And then, I dunno, tossed into the gaping maw of a dragon? I mean, who the hell else could eat this but imaginary creatures that would normally swallow entire humans whole? So instead of making this, or really even further thinking about it, you should make a baked apple instead. Because you only eat one, and it is probably far more delicious anyway.

So, I dunno, take like, 4 apples and core them, except don’t core them all the way through. You want a hole in the apple, so you can stuff it with crap.

Now, any time I talk about apples, I’m talking Fuji apples. My family don’t do that whole red delicious bs. Fujis are in the grocery store, probably right next to your regular granny smiths, but they are super better. They’re really crisp, and amazingly sweet, and available year round. But if you can’t find those, use a Rome apple, or a Gala apple instead. There’s usually stickers on the apples, a helpful indicator of what kind it is, if you get confused.

So anywho, take the apples, and core them somehow (I would suggest a melon baller, but if you don’t know what is, you could use a knife to hack at it until there is a sufficient hole), and then throw them in a little pyrex baking dish. My mom used to stuff them with brown sugar, cinnamon, butter, and freakin red hots. I know it sounds crazy, but they were really good. They melted and melded with the brown sugar and the butter, and permeated the apple, and it was delicious. You can pretty much stuff them with whatever you want though. You could put some chopped pecans or walnuts in there, or add some raisins, or even dried cranberries would be delicious if you want a really fall-y feel. So, throw some water (or apple cider if you’re Martha Stewart) in the bottom of the pan so they don’t stick, and also because the brown sugar and butter kinda melts out and makes a yummy kinda sauce in the bottom of the pan. Bake them for about 25-30 minutes in a 350-degree oven, or until they are tender when you poke them with a knife. Serve with vanilla ice cream, enjoy, and don’t even look at that picture again.